This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 11; the eleventh edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.
He sat next to Malini, listening to an unclear rant. Vyasan always dreamt of this moment. He recognised every word she spat out, yet never understood what she was on about. He thought about the hidden truth. None of Vyasan’s friends had even known anything about him but for the mere facts of the worldly living. He refrained everyone from knowing him, he trusted nobody. But no one knew of his intent. He never expressed this. Vyasan always told self that he was his judge, jury and executioner.
He heard a familiar voice calling out to Malini. He recognised that disdained smile. He couldn’t figure out the name. He stood up, momentarily leaving Malini’s side, to greet. He then knew it. No one will see him again. He was mere smoke of memory. He turned to see Malini with a photo of him garlanded. A wind blew, Malini dropped the photograph shattering the glass, he was being sucked away from Malini to be hidden.
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Bedlam
June 5, 2010
Nice one..
All the best.. 🙂
Gyanban
June 5, 2010
I think the central idea was good – but maybe you could have conveyed it a bit differently.
Rephrased some sentences in the second paragraph.
Otherwise a nice effort.
the6thsens
June 5, 2010
cheers gyanban. As i am writing this i am thinking about the second para. As I am still fighting in me to have written it better.
Leo
June 6, 2010
yes, the idea was good, needed better execution i felt! 🙂 all the best!
Leo – Hidden
Brijender
June 6, 2010
Unique thought,but needs more elucidation.
Would not say the execution needs improvement but it could do with some more elucidation.
Phoenixritu
June 6, 2010
Agree with the comments above, you could express it better
the6thsens
June 6, 2010
Hi all thank you all for the lovely comments, i really appreciate you all for that. Just for elucidating what i had in mind when i wrote it, i would like to say that I want my reader to participate in what i write. I mean i have left loop holes or blanks for the reader to fill it up and personalise what i have written. Kindly do let me know if i had failed in that!
Cheerio.
gkam
June 6, 2010
Good idea. I agree with Gyanban.
All the best! 🙂
Gkam: Hidden
Arjit
June 6, 2010
Well thought, dude! Anyway, it depends entirely on you what you feel about the execution of the post… Its your blog, its your post – write whatever, and in whichever you want to! Keep writing.
All the best for BAT!
PS: http://bit.ly/thestupidgirl
the6thsens
June 6, 2010
Thanks Arjit. I appreciate what you have said.
mahesh kalaal
June 6, 2010
i second most of the readers opinion here….
You started it very well….
it could have turned into an amazing piece…
am not sure if you have experimented a bit :
may be u wanted it that way …..
Ultimately what matters is the writer’s satisfaction that he brought out of his thoughts exactly the way he wanted them to be………so others opinion are secondary though they serve as feedback in some aspects…
keep writing:)
PS : There is no one best way to write 🙂 🙂 🙂
the6thsens
June 6, 2010
thank you and all of the others as i really appreciate feedback. And like you said there is no one best way to write so i collect these feedback and try to weave one good way to write next time 😀
Cheerio
Ravan
June 7, 2010
I think you lost it somewhere in the middle…. but nevertheless great attempt.!!!
adreamygal
June 8, 2010
Would agree with Mahesh 🙂 A different take on the topic 🙂 Did feel the flow at times were missing ..All the best for BATOM 🙂
the6thsens
June 8, 2010
Thank you all again for your fine comments. I do feel like making a comment at this uncture, Everytime i receive a comment regarding lack flow or missing somthing, i go back and read it again, and everytime I see the perfect flow in present. Perhaps i have so many things running in my mind that this falls into place as in good flow 😦 so if any one can help me a bit more by perhaps zeroing in one thing? I appreciate if you can do that…